Care for a free cup of coffee?

Wednesday I had an appointment with a therapist regarding substance abuse and the potential for relapse for folks that have liver transplants. Apparently 42% of those people drink alcohol again. Now 24% of those that rendezvous with their old friends only do it for a specific reason and occasion. The celebratory glass of wine or champagne at a wedding, a little manischetwize at a bat-mitzvah or possibly a small toast of beer at your best friends’ wake which happens to fall on St. Paddy's day. What happens to the 18 percenter club? Well, they become users, abusers and go back to the life style that potentially put them in the position they're in today. Yuk. How could someone given such a gift fail to live up to this person’s noble sacrifice? Easy, human nature and free will. Head shrinkers and therapists don't worry too much about that first crew but the second group is where they concentrate their training and counseling. My mind is made up. I'll have a ginger ale thanks, preferably Vernon's.

I worked my way from that appoint to see one Doctor Tan, a dermatologist I've seen before and an overall very awesome, cute, little old Asian lady. I think she's a Chinese national. I like her cause she's always making faces and saying things like "Bah! you don't have skin cancer, those bastards over there just want to make money." she clears her phlegmy throat and kind of gargles, ”Skin cancer... blah....". I keep waiting for her to spit her dip into the nearest trash can, but she doesn't. Another thing I like about Tan is that she is old school. Not resting on protocol she just stands there as I undress to put on the Johnny for my total skin scan. I think today the general practice is for docs to leave the room while you’re changing. She doesn't care, standing there in her white coat, picking her teeth with a soft pack of matches and telling me about this kick ass whole fish recipe her mother used to make in China. After going over me with a well-lit giant magnifying glass she says "Bah, Blah and Gash..." a few more times while mumbling something about no skin cancer.

Finally my last meeting is with a friend; a close friend who has no credentials what so ever in the world of medicine. He tries to convince me to put a cup of coffee up my butt. A coffee enema. Apparently the caffeine acts as a cleansing and detoxification agent. Does that come with cream and sugar? Do I go decaf? If I'm really looking for a boost should I have an espresso? What is the appropriate roast for a coffee enema? I don't want to commit a faux pas. I tell him the prospect sounds tempting but I'll take my coffee the old fashion way. Orally.